Setting fire to the rain

Setting fire to the rain

Anger, hatred, frustration are the invitations to a cacophony orchestra that play outs in my head regularly. The discordant chords harass my mind, heart and spill into my day that perpetuates into a self fulfilling prophecy of chaos. My thoughts lash out at the nearest person in my sight or the punishment to an object within my reach. Such is the nature of uncontrollable anger. It feels like a rain storm of emotions that bombard with torrent. With words I then go about attempting the fool hardy task of setting fire to the rain hoping in the recesses of my peaceful heart to make a change. 

Anger, hatred and frustration are all stones on the emotional catapult hurled at the unexpected castle of obstructions that are presented before me. Yet it is I who must pull the trigger or find the resolve to remove the trigger finger. It is the pause before the actual firing that is in fact a millisecond of eternity where in all realms of possibility exist. It is here where I make the choice. To succumb or to resist. That split second decision is shorter than a breath yet sometimes the entire breath is needed to arrive at an alternative decision that leads to an entirely different departure. It is in this breath where the moment of love exists. Love is the glue that may hold the moments together and enable an elastic change to take place. 

I find myself more and more delving into the pause. Embracing the pause. Nestling with in the pause. Discovering the unfolding love within the pause. Discovering a different choice, and so enjoying an alternate  destination. I am no longer drowning in the rain storm of my environment's infinite stimuli. I am no longer burned by the heat of the fire of my emotions. I simply collect the rain into my bucket of the pause and pour it on the fire. 

A pause is simple. So is love. Setting fire to the rain ? Nah , I have better things to do, for the fire of my mind  has died down and the rain of fears has departed. 

I may need a bigger bucket though  :)

..................

I Love You

valentine's day

Valentine's Day

Flowers bought in bunches, candy and chocolates fly off the grocery store shelves, elaborate cards saying three little words " I love you" are ferociously signed, and tasteful dinners  are planned. If we are lucky to have that special someone in our lives to share with our journey we offer them a token of our appreciation for their continued interest in our lives as if in some shameless hidden corner of our minds we say "Thank you for putting up with me." Perhaps the feelings that one offers their significant other is actually genuine. Yet one can only  feel genuine feelings when one is genuine within. 

This is the nature of the discovery that we all seek. The search for the crucible of intimacy of our ' other' that is in fact our Self. It is the kindling of this light that gives us the peace such that we may truly shout out " I love only You, and  I forsake all others." Our other half that mirrors qualities of our outward physical partner is in fact the essence of ourselves that longs to acknowledge that level of intimacy with us. It is not just one special day that we celebrate this unveiling path yet more of a daily occurrence. Every night we dissolve our selves and our Self into the myriad of dreams and return as one spirit and each day as we awaken into our conscious selves the separation and fear begin anew with the hope of finding our Self again, yet we reach out each day for that physical conscious person instead to substitute the apparent loss of our Self. 

The search for bliss and joy, happiness, resolution of all problems is part of the  unending dance with ourselves through the forests of anxiety, anger, insecurity and frustrations. It is in this plethora of movements that we encounter an invitation of Love.

Love appears as scared, confused, and uncertain of itself at times. 

Love is naive and non judgmental.

Love is curious and playful. 

Love learns quickly and adapts.

Love grows stronger, resilient yet malleable. 

Love is pure and remains just so in its steadfastness.

Love requires no expectations.

Remove the expectations you have of another and you remove the burden off yourself. The pressure to fulfill a role that is outward and not inward is always met with great distress. So on this commercially marked day of recognition of the Love for another,  spend a few valuable moments with gratitude for the one partner that has not nor will not ever let you down, or expect anything from you in return. Celebrate the intimacy of You and yourself, complete as one. 

Happy Valentine's Day...... happy Day of You.

................

I Love You

Falling apart

Falling apart

For decades have I created ever stronger shields that have encircled me from harm. Bigger, wider and stronger. Warm and snug I am ever further immersed into their protection. Shields created over time of constant falling apart and then putting back together. Every hurt, every pain, every wound triggered through life's experiences manifested by psychic bandages to keep me safe. Me? My heart. It is the vulnerability that we shy away from with every subsequent encounter with the same trigger. That same confrontation of that person, the same meeting of the experience, the same anger, the same hate, the same prejudices to a heart that understands only one language. The literacy of love. And so the fear of vulnerability hardens the once soft core into a shell of lies, deceit and untruths told to ourselves by our ego driven mind, till one day the eyes that look back at you in the mirror beckon your awakening.

Falling apart and  putting ourselves together is natural. Yet unnatural when in a state of our origin. The state of love. In the aliveness of the womb we are not satiated with such stimuli that will forge us into invincible beings. The innocence of "us" is what we search for in every encounter out of the womb. Its preservation is paramount. If unsuccessful we "fall apart" when the love of our world disappoints, or the hope of the reality we expect falters or the  ideal we hold dear dissolve from under us. We then "put ourselves back together" with psychic glue, emotional duct tape and verbal staples. But for how long? Days, weeks, months. Inconsequential quotients of time till the next trigger. Shields form, layer after layer, and hence decades role by and I find myself hardened to indifference, injustice, and blatant prejudice. 

However it is in this same vulnerability I have the chance to heal. Resolve the experience as it manifests. Learn from it. Allow the light of my heart to shine out and radiate and not be trapped in a box of fear. The tenderness of the heart to  truly feel and embrace the experience in its entirety without the sheltering.Then something amazing happens. I grow. I learn to adapt and become stronger out of the experience and not shy away from any similarity of repeat stimuli. The rawness of the wound finally heals completely. 

This is emotional conscious evolution. This is why I am here. To experience, to learn, to now know. 

It is in the aliveness of the fragility of the human heart that I acknowledge a fundamental element.

 Love. 

It is a torch light of hope that burns carefully in some, and carelessly in others. 

Love.

It is a beacon of our star lit heritage as we walk into an uncertain mortal future.

Love. 

Falling apart is falling from Grace. Yet falling can transform into flying. Only with love. 

Do you dare to believe in your own vulnerability? I do. 

Resolution

Resolution

This word haunts me like a my own shadow on many a non cloudy day. I make resolutions daily that are just as easily broken by nightfall. If I am brave enough the resolution will last till sunrise. What do I do? How do I make a resolution stick? Worry, fear, self doubt all coalesce into my shadow and make the resolution even less tangible.  However,   I am not alone in this pursuit of the holy grail of resolution building and creation. Most of us fall into this habit pattern. The beginning of the year is an auspicious time in our minds to forge a resolution yet in fact we make them daily. " I will become better at....." , " I will not do this or that.....", " I will strive to do and fulfill my goal of......". And so on and so forth. As many thoughts that traverse my fickle mind, there are an equal number of resolutions that are created to absolve them. 

Does this mean I am a weak individual ? Does this mean that I will always fail and never fulfill any goal or intention set by my heart? Perhaps the answer lies in the definition of the word resolution.

To resolve means to find a solution to a problem. Ponder on this for a while longer than it takes your mind to spin you like a top and let your heart have a voice. The answer is simple yet so immeasurably life giving. 

" You are not the problem" my heart replies when diligently asked. 

My mind snorts emphatically " Well of course you are the problem, what else could be wrong in a perfect world"

It is at this point my Higher Self interjects and chooses to be heard. 

" You are not the problem as the way you showed up in your current life is exactly meant to be the way you are. "

I am not the problem.

I was relieved. And so should you be.

We are not problems to be resolved. We are meant to experience everything exactly the way we choose the experience to be. Good or bad. It is an experience. To be. Just be. This is a VERY hard concept for the mind to wrap itself around as it stems from hosts of infinite experiences good and bad that must compute our odds of survival from one minute to the next, sometimes one second to the next. Yet it is outside the experiences looking in that we find the moment of the present. The moment of Now that unfolds into a universe of love, lack of doubt and understanding with compassion and joy to know that we are fine. 

You are not a problem to be resolved. No resolution required. Instead we are sparks of infinite magic patiently awaiting our time to shine like stars in the night sky. Yet without the darkness, a star can never shine. So too experiences of all kinds must come forth. The darker they are, the greater we shine as the day gives way to the night, so too the night returns with the offering of the dawn. Self love presents as the fire that burns bright within us that dissolves the "problem" that we are portrayed with as having. 

Time to shift my thinking. Better to create an intention, fueled with love, and manifest a sun that sustains, than to create resolutions fueled with perceived problems that fail. 

Re-solution? I think not. More like Re-freshed, Re-charged, Re-newed, Re-juvenated. 

Forgiveness

Forgiveness

In the rare quiet moments of myself I find myself forgiving. Forgiving others that have hurt me, forgiving situations that have affected me, forgiving the people closest to me that have either belittled me or taken me for granted. Deeper I go, the more raw the wounds. These have never really healed, instead they have been camouflaged with the proverbial bandage of dismissal. Most of us are well versed from a young age to grow shields around our wounded hearts and managed to "shoo" away the darkness that shadowed our lonely heart in a desperate effort of self preservation. Yet dismissing the insult is a akin to putting away a half read interesting book on the highest of shelves secretly hoping to have the time to read it later, but also acknowledging that the location of where it sits high on the book shelf, the odds are remoter still of accessing it. 

In the quietness of my heart these wounds call out for absolution. The ego calls it vengeance, my soul calls it forgiveness. A wound must be opened, debrided and given the opportunity to heal naturally. It is in this where I find that even the rarer moments of myself emerge. Not to forgive another, yet to forgive myself for ever being hurt. To feel the pain, mixed with the unbearable hot salt in to the wound suffers the agony yet also is the antiseptic that is needed to enable healing. I realize I cannot live my life without ever letting my heart from being wounded for that is how I will grow and evolve. However it is in these hurts I learn to forgive others AND myself and learn to not be hurt again. 

This lesson is not taught so that I may roam free with arrogance and hatred for others so that my shield is strong enough to never feel. Quite the contrary. The biography of the biology of forgiveness for myself begins with myself embracing compassion. Yet again this does not begin with the age old idiom of "compassion for others first" but more "compassion for myself first" . The "others" is mySelf. If I am not fully healed what hope do I ever have of healing others through my compassion and forgiveness when my very own cup is never full. A cup of love that runs over spills its contents over an infinite sized table. A full cup spills it infinitely over the entire table. 

Compassion and forgiveness have long held hands in their journey to love. Both must begin with the Self and for the Self before they reach out any where.  Different yet same. Compassion is the tool through which forgiveness is forged. Compassion understands where forgiveness accepts. The duality of the two are manifest in the face of Love. Each cheek surround this face. At times both are slapped to awaken the love within the heart space. 

Forgive others who insult you? Sure. 

Compassionately forgive yourself for ever being hurt.  

Slowing down

Slowing down

I am always in a rush. I suspect you are too. I always have to be in at least 3 places at once. Family life, work life, personal life, all blend in at times as I forget the boundaries and enable the overlay of these worlds into one quagmire of confusion. Work chores being done at home. Personal life being delayed due to home chores. Home activities delayed due to work. Life begins for me at 200mph. Or at least so says the sign on my garage door just before I enter the house. For far too long have I lived with this notion of speed is everything. The faster I do things, the more I can achieve. Ergo the more I achieve, the better I am. The "better I am", the faster I can do things. And so the spinning wheel accelerates each day. Forwards or backwards I am yet unclear which direction it spins. 

I am learning a new concept. Slowing down. As the perception of time genuinely speeds  up these days, leaving me with the apparent feeling of being "out of time" I began to slow my own pace. Reducing the speed at which I do things by being fully engaged in the present moment has in fact helped me enormously to "control" time. I am now able to realistically accomplish more and more in less and less time by being in the present rather than the past moment  or the future moment yet to come. 

Slowing down the thoughts of my chatter ful mind to match the speed of my body ( which mind you is not getting any younger). Then concurrently slowing down my aging body  to the resonance of the speed of my heart. As I emanate only love for the moment, it directly translates in to love for my thoughts, words and actions that thus ensue. The unconditional love vibrates at a pace of manageable time and space and manifests just the same. The slower rate of thought that is now regulated by the engine of the heart is then transformed into clearly transmitted words and dutiful actions in the world of numerous dimensions. Much like a train carting along several carriages at the same speed, so too the engine of my heart tempers the speed of my mind and body and my translated reality into one that does not exceed the speed limit of chaos and wear and tear of my psyche. 

Learning to love was my first key to slowing down. Love for myself, my surroundings and my moments. It was also the key to ignite the fire to start my long train of carriage full of ablutions regardless of category. I was always at fault for trying to control my external environment in order to gain as-semblance of my internal environment. As it turns out I was wrong. Starting at the heart and then working my way outward was far more productive and fruitful. Statements such as " It ain't easy..." or " I will try" or   "I can't because of ..." or " but..but ....but.." were soon left at the doorsteps of my own fears and ignorances. 

I chart new dimensions at a different pace. A speed of the heart. So can you.

a new year

A new year....

Winter is here.

 Nature gets ready to nestle into her cold bed as the blanket of snow packs down hard. All creatures know it is time to rest and hibernate. It is the last phase of an endless cycle of the 4 seasons. The surface is cold and unforgiving as is the moods of depression, beaten holiday spirits with stress and anxiety, and the heavy burdens of unresolved emotions pressured to be claimed before the year end. I furiously write out resolutions that will never see the light of day , the knowing of which secretly looms in the unseen of my  unconscious mind  with fear and destain. 

Beneath this tundra of fragile and frigid stillness is an aliveness. A beating pulse of genuine desire. An emotion birthing within the confines of a new born heart ready to take on the expansiveness of the universe. A hot glow of creativity, passion and zeal. 

Unconditional love.

Its  roar of freedom is thunderous and deafening yet muffled beneath the icy cold surface of despair. I summon the strength of the ages and with a cry of anguish coupled with joy, I surrender. 

I let go.

It is with this liberating act I find the Herculean stamina to  exit my inertia of what has felt like an eternal ice age and rise towards the gloom. I break free from the chains of the burrows of my mind. I emerge from the darkest depths of the ego branded with fear. I feel my warm hand pierce the white surface of pure cold snow. I poke my head out to breathe the crystalline air of freedom. I crawl  out of the prior year into a new year. Yet this is not about the new year it is about the new versions of You and Me. 

It is from the depths of our sadness, hopelessness, abandonment of ourselves that we are are resurrected with conviction of love for our Self and the divinity of others. It is the courage of this very conviction that will anchor us feet first into a new world, a new earth unfolding beneath our feet. With our awakened eyes we see the universe with compassion, understanding and the expansiveness of our own hearts in others. We connect in this new year to the blue lit sky, the far off  pinpoint  stars, the endless worlds of infinite universes and the boundless beings around our very person. Top to bottom and back again the pillar of our own light finds the solace that you and I so desperately seek in the name of Love. 

A new year arrives. Pomp and celebration to some. Fear and despair unto others. The calendrical feat does not cast judgement or prejudice. It is steam roller of time, " out with the old, in with the new" it proclaims with jolly laughter. The past is the past. And that is where our old stories should remain. Surrender is the release. It is the transmutation of our unchanging immortal  spirits as we dive into a changed temporary physical form from one year to the next. 

Love is the fire that burns bright and so immeasurably as it metabolizes the plagues of my past into a transformed future. I sit on top of the fallen snow amongst friends, family and mySelf in front of my sunny raging fire, sharing songs of the delightful future, and behind me lies the shattered hole from whence I rose, deep deep below the blackness of my former hate. 

Will you join me?

Hailing  you a Happy New You and New Year. 

Wishing you a healthy, prosperous and magical everything, with love.