Pushing that boulder uphill

Pushing that boulder

Push, stop, push, stop, push, rest. At times life feels like pushing a big large boulder uphill. That is also what I hear most frequently when I ask " How are you doing?" The response is " Still alive,pushing that rock uphill !" Well, I must declare that that statement is quite awe inspiring and has been buried in my sub conscious for a long time. It became my preferred response for many years. Moreover the more I said it, the more it became a reality. Life became a giant chore. Instead of all my daily necessary yet mundane chores and commitments being fillers in my day, they took over and became the objects of my day and the important priorities such as meditation, exercising, personal growth, more personal communication ( to name but a few) became the fun sprinkles of cinnamon on my otherwise cold stale brewed coffee of my day.  I had to come up with a different model. So I did. 

I changed the size and shape of the boulder. That's it. Simple. Actually it was that simple. I reshaped my chores to the most necessary and brought it down into a manageable, tidier structure. It has been a long time held belief that attempting to move a square shaped boulder is harder to move than a spherical shaped boulder is to revolutionize on a level surface, let alone up a hill. ( Hence the bicycle wheels are round and not square). Now reduce the size of it and now you do not need the army of help that the Pharaohs once did in Ancient Egypt while transporting large structures.   Well that's all  very fine and dandy one might think, yet how do you do it? Transpose the priorities. I  listed all the things that are really important to me, and planned my day AROUND them. In other words chores became the fillers once more. I can not escape chores. Whether I am just me, a king, or the poorest man in the world, chores will remain. A king may have numerous commitments of holding court, deciding matters of state, visiting other heads of state etc. These are all necessary duties. He may not have to clean his own toilet but he is not just sitting around doing nothing which he may desire to do. His personal priority might be learning something new like music or art. Chores or duties will interfere with this ambition, yet they do not have to. The poorer man might have stresses of work, finances, home activities and basic necessities. His priority is probably consumed with these stressors yet his important priority might be just to be happy. Filling his day with more mindfulness and moments of quiet reflection can help him find this goal.

 It is not black or white, "everything is a shade of grey" I understand that, yet the boulder does not know that. It just is and has to be moved. Life's duties are just there and they need to be moved. Yet sometimes I find that I am so "in my head" that I fail to realize that things can be simple and can be simplified even further. It is a question of whether I choose to make the chores or the important purposes to be  the priority, and I do that by reshaping and resizing the boulder. I do not think it will mind.   So I transposed the chores with my soulful goals or purposes. The focus on the latter and not the former helped put things into perspective, like what is current my position on the uphill slope ?was it a level surface and had I not noticed that the ground had shifted ?Things like am I stronger to be able to push my boulder?  did I need to push my boulder ?, or until recently am I really even pushing a boulder or is it really all in my head loaded with fears ?. The boulder concept became my fear and to serve it, I obsessed with the silliest of chores and made them into a priority. The boulder ruled my life and I was chained to it. No more. 

My purpose on this planet is on the top of my list. It is sewn together with good intentions and goals of ideals that I would like to cultivate. Compassion, healing, non judgment are the pillars. Things that I want to really pursue and learn in life are the priorities. Rest of the necessary chores of daily living are there and must be fulfilled yet I am not going to obsess over them. When I fall under the pressure of the rock or boulder I am forced to change. I am at that precipice now. My goal is to make my boulder as small as I can make it so that it fits into my pocket. Just heavy enough for me to know that it is there,yet not big enough for it to overwhelm me. 

Do you have your hammer and chisel? Ready to reshape and make your boulder in life smaller?

Rock climbing

Rock climbing

My son and I have started doing a regular sport and exercise of rock climbing. For now we go to a local rock gym and scale their mighty and cleverly placed wall mounts with and without ropes. Initially I used to think that there was no way I could do this, yet gradually over the course of practice I was able to do it. Interestingly I never seem to take the exact sequence of steps when I climb. I am always going upward yet many a time I find myself having to go back down  a step or two and redirecting my climb to my goal. Few steps back for more leaps forward and upward. Granted as I get stronger I am able to do this with more ease and grace. Not there yet, but getting there. Sometimes my climb appears lateral and sometimes more vertical as intended. I am always thankful for my belay  person ( the one who handles the ropes and the braking from the ground) to help me when I do fall or let go, as they catch me quickly as I dangle mid air before my next maneuver. This got me thinking....

Life is not unlike rock  climbing. I continue to traverse my vertical terrain as I would all the various obstacles in my life, as challenges to be overcome. I struggle, I falter, I redirect. Sometimes I do have to take a few steps down and then have to  re-chart another course to the top. Sometimes the course means taking a few steps laterally. Sometimes a lot more laterally, until I am stronger enough to get back on the vertical track. The course is never the same, just like the challenges are never the same. Firm footing in whatever position I am in whether feet or hands are paramount as I launch to the next obstacle. My life is no different than that of others. Filled with daily interruptions I have to navigate my day till the very end. I try desperately to get a few more chores, or more activities or just a few more connections in before I retire for the night. Some days I am not ready to climb, I take a day of rest. Some days I re-chart and have redirect my steps constantly. Always looking for that peaceful "me time" I find that the journey to the top is just that, "me" time. The quiet focus of mind and body while rock climbing is the constant duel of my mind and body in daily practice. The solitude of rock climbing is similar to my focussing on my tasks for the day. At times I have to pull away from the rock wall in mid climb as I am fatigued.The belay catches me. The same holds true for the universe. I try, I try, I try some more and then I try yet some more, I am fatigued and push away, and the universe catches me in my moments of fatigue. Briefly rested I continue the climb. I try yet again. 

My life seems to be all about this rock wall. Climb to the top, yet do not be discouraged if it does not happen in that one sitting. That is what tomorrow is for.  Secured to my belay ropes I am safe and protected with the ropes of the universe, namely faith and courage. I keep focussed with my attention towards the top, and I climb. Higher and higher I go, requiring yet even more strength as gravity and the weight of life and my problems try to drag me down. Security and confidence in my footing helps my exercising adventure. Knowing my identity and being confident with it helps me navigate my wall of life. Not being present in the moment can make me trip and fumble and fall. It makes for a better experience when I do stay in the moment, after all that is what makes the rock climb and my journey through  life worth it and exciting. 

Rock climbing? Check your ropes and just climb, never look down or look back. 

Emoticons

Emoticons ;)

I really love this little invention. The smiley face at the end of a text message or an email or some form of digital communication has suddenly exploded to literally millions of symbols. If I count every language in which an emoticon has been made,  including the English language,  I probably  will be very surprised as to the variety of expressiveness that we are capable of using. And the list continues to grow each day. Perhaps just as fast as we are understanding our emotions, a different emoticon or emoji is added to the huge dictionary of Emoticons that are listed. Every color, religion, emotional face that has been humanly made is out there literally for every  occasion too. Birthdays, anniversaries, happy days, sad days, achievements, feeling blah?, feeling happy ! Feeling confused. The list is endless.

In the "old" days of using a phone, I would express my emotions with words to the person at the other end of the phone. When I used to write letters on paper (yes I am dating myself) then I would use words to express my thoughts. In this current fast paced era of digital communication where the emotion, thought, idea has to be communicated  instantly, I find myself using shorthand texting language. Accidentally I use it in speech too. Yet no email or text message is complete without an emoticon. Interestingly if I try sending the same message without and then with the emoticon I have noticed a difference in response. If I have an angry emoticon :(  I also get back an angry response. If I send a happy :) response I get back a happier and more compliant response. SO the emoticon is basically my feelings being transmitted with the message that I choose to deliver without me ever having to see another human face or shaking another human hand. 

It is a long time held understanding by many psychologists that communication is  not just transmitted by words. Eye movement and direction of gaze, body language, body shifting, tone of discussion, volume of discussion, hand gestures etc are all  non verbal forms of communication that are transmitted during a  verbal conversation. Emoticons have replaced all that !! The frequency that I transmit has been replaced by symbols or mini digital works of art at the end of a sentence. There is now no need for me to meet, greet or communciate with another human being either in person or video chat, as long as my sentence is completed by my "perceived emoticon". The only caveat is that I must be absolutely clear in what I am writing and expressing with the right emoticon. Well that is where the rub lies, isn't it? Effective and clear communication is not our strong suit when we meet someone anyway. That is the reason why when we are on a "date" we desperately try to communicate our thoughts to the other person, yet not always effectively. We leave behind many emotions in the conversation, and it is upto the artful conversationer to pick up the subtle clues. Is he interested in me? Is she flirting with me?  Where do we go from here? etc etc We hold back out of fear. I hold back out of insecurity. You hold back out of confusion. All subtle energetic clues are woven into the verbal and nonverbal communication. Now however a different story ensues. .. no need for speech, just find the right emoticon and I am all set. The problem is I cannot always find the right one. And so my emotion is only partly transmitted, or at least as close to as I can get it. Perhaps a smile with one tear, because I cannot fully really express that I am sad, but I want to show compassion. Perhaps a smile with my tongue out, because I cannot find the right emotion to express my frustration coupled with confusion and fear. 

My emoticon is not clear enough as there is no emoticon to express what I myself do not choose to fully express. Clarity is hard to in vibe when my own mind is full of confusion. Clarity is hard to express when my heart is bubbling with emotions. Clarity is hard to present to another when my mind,  spirit and consciousness is not in sync. Clarity is hard to nail down into a true emotion as I have not even scratched the surface of the depths of my own spirit. Moreover it is my emotion and last I checked it is someone else making all these emoticons and emojis, which means since no one really understands ME, I do not even have an emoticon to tell my tale of joy or woe. I have played with emoticons quite extensively. In fact, lined up these little symbols in a "sentence" to see if my "emotions" could be expressed even more effectively without any words. Alas the interpretation was vast and varied depending on who read them. My true story and how I felt was lost. Unfortunately this is the same when I, you, we verbalize my, your or our thoughts. We have digitalized pretty much everything else in our lives. The  endeavor to undertake the same task with our emotions  is clearly in full swing. It does however leave something to be desired. The human element is always missing and can never be eliminated. 

I guess I am going to have to talk to you in person after all, and you will have to do the same with me, well at least until they invent an emotional robot to replace us both... :) ;) lmao lol 

Roadside assistance

Road side Assistance

Sigh.....This week has not been fun. It started off with an unexpected snow storm at the beginning of the week. Unpreparedness ruled and rocked the roads as drivers seemed to have forgotten how to drive in wintery NewEngland weather. I grant you that this is April and we had commemorated the  birth of spring with tulips and flowers in most of our back yards, with the visibility of green grass. Nevertheless my story began while driving slowly on a back road to work when I lost control of the car. I swerved into on coming traffic, sailed back into my lane and missed the first telephone pole. Only to then glide back into the on coming traffic lane and then float back to my lane missing the second telephone pole. Then I exceeded my own disbelief at my predicament and performed a 360 degree spin which then narrowly missed the car behind me, while I now effortlessly headed to the third telephone pole, which I did not unfortunately miss, and the right rear of the car banged into it gracefully. This managed to re-correct my course and heading back into my lane  and I proceeded to my originally intended destination as if nothing had ever happened. Perhaps I was watching all this on TV. It was surreal.  I was alive, shaken but not stirred. This is all in the context of hearing of the passing of my grandmother an hour prior to my accident. I am convinced that she was in the car with me during this unnecessary adventure in the car. Crazy ?yes. Doubtful ? No. She was my road side assistance. This got me thinking.

I face various troublesome or tiresome burdens on a regular basis. Clearly none of them as dramatic as the above described incident. They weigh heavily on me. Whether it is interactions with patients or with others as I try to solve all the problems that come my way. I am not always successful, yet really who is 100% of the time? Family disagreements, endless negotiating with a 4 year old, understanding friends, unsuccessful yet compassionate pacification of a 5 month old, making sense of irritating telephone marketeers, mountains of chores, and of course the continuous digging myself out of my day are just a few of the items that are on my unwritten agenda, excluding of course the written items ! I need help. Badly. So does everyone I know. Yet we all simply just take on our stressors on the roads of life and the roads with all their potholes wears us down. Engines fail, tires are damaged, and we end our lives with regret. Much of the time I enjoy the scenery on my road of life, yet sometimes the road comes up to meet me  as it recently did. A not so gentle reminder that I have to stop with the non sense and the petty smallness of my life and lead a more on purpose life. I need road side assistance. 

Roadside assistance is always at hand when I need it. This time it may have come from an unlikely source, yet it came nevertheless. Having not had my assist, I would have more than certainly had a worse outcome and per chance taken out a few people with me along with myself. Presence of mind and being mindful is one such assistance that I employ on my road of life. Another is the simple understanding and believing in the universe that is there for my support and good, it is called faith. Whether I believe in myself, or a grand old cosmic deity or the universe is not the point. The fact that I believe is enough. Believing and accepting is the key in activating my personal road side assistance which manifests as mindfulness of the present moment. 

I will face more challenges and obstacles in this life, I know this to be a fact. I am not trying to avoid them, I need to overcome them. I am glad that my roadside assistance was present with me during the beginning of the week, even if she manifested in this form. May she rest in peace. " Being present" is more than just a state of mind that is speculated as being unattainable. It is a valuable resource and necessity in staying alive. I think I can attest to this wholeheartedly today. 

Driving today? Have you checked that you have your roadside assistance with you?