Falling apart

Falling apart

For decades have I created ever stronger shields that have encircled me from harm. Bigger, wider and stronger. Warm and snug I am ever further immersed into their protection. Shields created over time of constant falling apart and then putting back together. Every hurt, every pain, every wound triggered through life's experiences manifested by psychic bandages to keep me safe. Me? My heart. It is the vulnerability that we shy away from with every subsequent encounter with the same trigger. That same confrontation of that person, the same meeting of the experience, the same anger, the same hate, the same prejudices to a heart that understands only one language. The literacy of love. And so the fear of vulnerability hardens the once soft core into a shell of lies, deceit and untruths told to ourselves by our ego driven mind, till one day the eyes that look back at you in the mirror beckon your awakening.

Falling apart and  putting ourselves together is natural. Yet unnatural when in a state of our origin. The state of love. In the aliveness of the womb we are not satiated with such stimuli that will forge us into invincible beings. The innocence of "us" is what we search for in every encounter out of the womb. Its preservation is paramount. If unsuccessful we "fall apart" when the love of our world disappoints, or the hope of the reality we expect falters or the  ideal we hold dear dissolve from under us. We then "put ourselves back together" with psychic glue, emotional duct tape and verbal staples. But for how long? Days, weeks, months. Inconsequential quotients of time till the next trigger. Shields form, layer after layer, and hence decades role by and I find myself hardened to indifference, injustice, and blatant prejudice. 

However it is in this same vulnerability I have the chance to heal. Resolve the experience as it manifests. Learn from it. Allow the light of my heart to shine out and radiate and not be trapped in a box of fear. The tenderness of the heart to  truly feel and embrace the experience in its entirety without the sheltering.Then something amazing happens. I grow. I learn to adapt and become stronger out of the experience and not shy away from any similarity of repeat stimuli. The rawness of the wound finally heals completely. 

This is emotional conscious evolution. This is why I am here. To experience, to learn, to now know. 

It is in the aliveness of the fragility of the human heart that I acknowledge a fundamental element.

 Love. 

It is a torch light of hope that burns carefully in some, and carelessly in others. 

Love.

It is a beacon of our star lit heritage as we walk into an uncertain mortal future.

Love. 

Falling apart is falling from Grace. Yet falling can transform into flying. Only with love. 

Do you dare to believe in your own vulnerability? I do. 

Resolution

Resolution

This word haunts me like a my own shadow on many a non cloudy day. I make resolutions daily that are just as easily broken by nightfall. If I am brave enough the resolution will last till sunrise. What do I do? How do I make a resolution stick? Worry, fear, self doubt all coalesce into my shadow and make the resolution even less tangible.  However,   I am not alone in this pursuit of the holy grail of resolution building and creation. Most of us fall into this habit pattern. The beginning of the year is an auspicious time in our minds to forge a resolution yet in fact we make them daily. " I will become better at....." , " I will not do this or that.....", " I will strive to do and fulfill my goal of......". And so on and so forth. As many thoughts that traverse my fickle mind, there are an equal number of resolutions that are created to absolve them. 

Does this mean I am a weak individual ? Does this mean that I will always fail and never fulfill any goal or intention set by my heart? Perhaps the answer lies in the definition of the word resolution.

To resolve means to find a solution to a problem. Ponder on this for a while longer than it takes your mind to spin you like a top and let your heart have a voice. The answer is simple yet so immeasurably life giving. 

" You are not the problem" my heart replies when diligently asked. 

My mind snorts emphatically " Well of course you are the problem, what else could be wrong in a perfect world"

It is at this point my Higher Self interjects and chooses to be heard. 

" You are not the problem as the way you showed up in your current life is exactly meant to be the way you are. "

I am not the problem.

I was relieved. And so should you be.

We are not problems to be resolved. We are meant to experience everything exactly the way we choose the experience to be. Good or bad. It is an experience. To be. Just be. This is a VERY hard concept for the mind to wrap itself around as it stems from hosts of infinite experiences good and bad that must compute our odds of survival from one minute to the next, sometimes one second to the next. Yet it is outside the experiences looking in that we find the moment of the present. The moment of Now that unfolds into a universe of love, lack of doubt and understanding with compassion and joy to know that we are fine. 

You are not a problem to be resolved. No resolution required. Instead we are sparks of infinite magic patiently awaiting our time to shine like stars in the night sky. Yet without the darkness, a star can never shine. So too experiences of all kinds must come forth. The darker they are, the greater we shine as the day gives way to the night, so too the night returns with the offering of the dawn. Self love presents as the fire that burns bright within us that dissolves the "problem" that we are portrayed with as having. 

Time to shift my thinking. Better to create an intention, fueled with love, and manifest a sun that sustains, than to create resolutions fueled with perceived problems that fail. 

Re-solution? I think not. More like Re-freshed, Re-charged, Re-newed, Re-juvenated. 

Forgiveness

Forgiveness

In the rare quiet moments of myself I find myself forgiving. Forgiving others that have hurt me, forgiving situations that have affected me, forgiving the people closest to me that have either belittled me or taken me for granted. Deeper I go, the more raw the wounds. These have never really healed, instead they have been camouflaged with the proverbial bandage of dismissal. Most of us are well versed from a young age to grow shields around our wounded hearts and managed to "shoo" away the darkness that shadowed our lonely heart in a desperate effort of self preservation. Yet dismissing the insult is a akin to putting away a half read interesting book on the highest of shelves secretly hoping to have the time to read it later, but also acknowledging that the location of where it sits high on the book shelf, the odds are remoter still of accessing it. 

In the quietness of my heart these wounds call out for absolution. The ego calls it vengeance, my soul calls it forgiveness. A wound must be opened, debrided and given the opportunity to heal naturally. It is in this where I find that even the rarer moments of myself emerge. Not to forgive another, yet to forgive myself for ever being hurt. To feel the pain, mixed with the unbearable hot salt in to the wound suffers the agony yet also is the antiseptic that is needed to enable healing. I realize I cannot live my life without ever letting my heart from being wounded for that is how I will grow and evolve. However it is in these hurts I learn to forgive others AND myself and learn to not be hurt again. 

This lesson is not taught so that I may roam free with arrogance and hatred for others so that my shield is strong enough to never feel. Quite the contrary. The biography of the biology of forgiveness for myself begins with myself embracing compassion. Yet again this does not begin with the age old idiom of "compassion for others first" but more "compassion for myself first" . The "others" is mySelf. If I am not fully healed what hope do I ever have of healing others through my compassion and forgiveness when my very own cup is never full. A cup of love that runs over spills its contents over an infinite sized table. A full cup spills it infinitely over the entire table. 

Compassion and forgiveness have long held hands in their journey to love. Both must begin with the Self and for the Self before they reach out any where.  Different yet same. Compassion is the tool through which forgiveness is forged. Compassion understands where forgiveness accepts. The duality of the two are manifest in the face of Love. Each cheek surround this face. At times both are slapped to awaken the love within the heart space. 

Forgive others who insult you? Sure. 

Compassionately forgive yourself for ever being hurt.  

Slowing down

Slowing down

I am always in a rush. I suspect you are too. I always have to be in at least 3 places at once. Family life, work life, personal life, all blend in at times as I forget the boundaries and enable the overlay of these worlds into one quagmire of confusion. Work chores being done at home. Personal life being delayed due to home chores. Home activities delayed due to work. Life begins for me at 200mph. Or at least so says the sign on my garage door just before I enter the house. For far too long have I lived with this notion of speed is everything. The faster I do things, the more I can achieve. Ergo the more I achieve, the better I am. The "better I am", the faster I can do things. And so the spinning wheel accelerates each day. Forwards or backwards I am yet unclear which direction it spins. 

I am learning a new concept. Slowing down. As the perception of time genuinely speeds  up these days, leaving me with the apparent feeling of being "out of time" I began to slow my own pace. Reducing the speed at which I do things by being fully engaged in the present moment has in fact helped me enormously to "control" time. I am now able to realistically accomplish more and more in less and less time by being in the present rather than the past moment  or the future moment yet to come. 

Slowing down the thoughts of my chatter ful mind to match the speed of my body ( which mind you is not getting any younger). Then concurrently slowing down my aging body  to the resonance of the speed of my heart. As I emanate only love for the moment, it directly translates in to love for my thoughts, words and actions that thus ensue. The unconditional love vibrates at a pace of manageable time and space and manifests just the same. The slower rate of thought that is now regulated by the engine of the heart is then transformed into clearly transmitted words and dutiful actions in the world of numerous dimensions. Much like a train carting along several carriages at the same speed, so too the engine of my heart tempers the speed of my mind and body and my translated reality into one that does not exceed the speed limit of chaos and wear and tear of my psyche. 

Learning to love was my first key to slowing down. Love for myself, my surroundings and my moments. It was also the key to ignite the fire to start my long train of carriage full of ablutions regardless of category. I was always at fault for trying to control my external environment in order to gain as-semblance of my internal environment. As it turns out I was wrong. Starting at the heart and then working my way outward was far more productive and fruitful. Statements such as " It ain't easy..." or " I will try" or   "I can't because of ..." or " but..but ....but.." were soon left at the doorsteps of my own fears and ignorances. 

I chart new dimensions at a different pace. A speed of the heart. So can you.

a new year

A new year....

Winter is here.

 Nature gets ready to nestle into her cold bed as the blanket of snow packs down hard. All creatures know it is time to rest and hibernate. It is the last phase of an endless cycle of the 4 seasons. The surface is cold and unforgiving as is the moods of depression, beaten holiday spirits with stress and anxiety, and the heavy burdens of unresolved emotions pressured to be claimed before the year end. I furiously write out resolutions that will never see the light of day , the knowing of which secretly looms in the unseen of my  unconscious mind  with fear and destain. 

Beneath this tundra of fragile and frigid stillness is an aliveness. A beating pulse of genuine desire. An emotion birthing within the confines of a new born heart ready to take on the expansiveness of the universe. A hot glow of creativity, passion and zeal. 

Unconditional love.

Its  roar of freedom is thunderous and deafening yet muffled beneath the icy cold surface of despair. I summon the strength of the ages and with a cry of anguish coupled with joy, I surrender. 

I let go.

It is with this liberating act I find the Herculean stamina to  exit my inertia of what has felt like an eternal ice age and rise towards the gloom. I break free from the chains of the burrows of my mind. I emerge from the darkest depths of the ego branded with fear. I feel my warm hand pierce the white surface of pure cold snow. I poke my head out to breathe the crystalline air of freedom. I crawl  out of the prior year into a new year. Yet this is not about the new year it is about the new versions of You and Me. 

It is from the depths of our sadness, hopelessness, abandonment of ourselves that we are are resurrected with conviction of love for our Self and the divinity of others. It is the courage of this very conviction that will anchor us feet first into a new world, a new earth unfolding beneath our feet. With our awakened eyes we see the universe with compassion, understanding and the expansiveness of our own hearts in others. We connect in this new year to the blue lit sky, the far off  pinpoint  stars, the endless worlds of infinite universes and the boundless beings around our very person. Top to bottom and back again the pillar of our own light finds the solace that you and I so desperately seek in the name of Love. 

A new year arrives. Pomp and celebration to some. Fear and despair unto others. The calendrical feat does not cast judgement or prejudice. It is steam roller of time, " out with the old, in with the new" it proclaims with jolly laughter. The past is the past. And that is where our old stories should remain. Surrender is the release. It is the transmutation of our unchanging immortal  spirits as we dive into a changed temporary physical form from one year to the next. 

Love is the fire that burns bright and so immeasurably as it metabolizes the plagues of my past into a transformed future. I sit on top of the fallen snow amongst friends, family and mySelf in front of my sunny raging fire, sharing songs of the delightful future, and behind me lies the shattered hole from whence I rose, deep deep below the blackness of my former hate. 

Will you join me?

Hailing  you a Happy New You and New Year. 

Wishing you a healthy, prosperous and magical everything, with love. 

A black hole...

A black Hole

The black hole has been a mystery for eons for as long as we have looked up at the dark night sky and wondered beyond the stars. We are more accustomed to recognize it as a gapping powerful center of our galaxy from which nothing escapes. A swirling mass of darkness illuminated only by the borders of destroyed light and the edges of fragmented time. Our imagination is abound with illusions of fear and dread as the end all of what we call life. I see it differently. 

Transplant that image of the black hole into the deepest recesses of your heart. It is not a hole to be feared yet one that is to be used and revered daily. Churning and churning of all the wounds of our day. Tirelessly it absorbs  all of our unresolved hurts,  magnified disappointments and untold frustrations.    Destroying, dissolving, and disillusioning. The obscure laws of physics still apply as "what is created must be destroyed".. however additionally  only to be recreated once again. 

Yet this time with choice. The infinite possibilities will emerge from this black hole. The universally expanded and vast version of You in all its magnificence is waiting to take center stage on a grand scale. 

Do you choose to believe?

Do you choose to see yourSelf in the  best possible light with Love?

How you choose to re create yourSelf is entirely up to you. That is the beauty of the black hole of your heart. It aides in ripping  away all that is negatively manifest and leaves behind the spectacularly expansive form of You, your Love, Your Soul. Cosmically free to experience, enjoy and entertain all the amazing oneness of You is now transmuted. 

Your choice. 

No one or No thing can annihilate You.

 I see the brightness of your black hole everyday in You.

The stranger within

The stranger within

I am so quick to judge another and erupt when another speaks that at times I fail to identify the "I am" presence within. The lack of respect as it were for another begins with the lack of respect for oneself. 

Imagine if a little stranger comes to your front door. Outside it is raining and cold. Shivering and  afraid he or she asks of you in a gentle and quiet voice " Will you let me in?"  You or I would without reservation leap at the opportunity to help and welcome them in with open arms and embrace them with a  warm cosy blanket, a hot beverage and a scrumptiously satisfying meal and place of comfortable seating. Now imagine for an instant that the stranger is your love.  Not a person, but the very essence of love that is you, embodied in human form and adorned with the personna of "you."

We  live in a chaotic world of impulses. Bombarded every second by electronic darts or diverse stimuli that we leave precious time for ourselves or to love our selves. Too busy searching for love, or superficially giving love away or better yet, expecting love from everyone, when the one love we seek remains at our front door, knocking, knocking and knocking awaiting an answer. We are too afraid to open up ourselves to the point of no return that we choose not to open up. We never truly embrace that love of us. We never offer that seat of love in the comfortable place within our heart. That hot meal or beverage is never consumed as we never choose to meet the oneness of ourselves with the oneness of the universal love. Too many conditions are placed upon Love. Too many ego and mind driven ideas of the shape and form in which Love is to present itself before us are created and yet we miss the very nature and shape of it when Love does reveal itself to us in all its glory. 

We are afraid, so Love shows up in the same way, scared. We are cold to others, so Love shows up in the same way, shivering. We are starved for Love, and so it shows up in the same way, hungry. Yet offered and accepted as it is with out condition, judgement or preconceived,  Love is metabolized to a higher frequency in its true form. You. 

The Love you seek in another is the love you seek of yourself in another. Finding that love of yourself is the first step to a more peaceful future. Looking  into your own reflection in the mirror through your weary, world trodden eyes, you may find something cosmically remarkable. Peeping back, a discovery like none other awaits. For in the curiosity of your heart, a long lost stranger of the " I am " presence now becomes a friend. Lost and found, this Love that is You is waiting to be discovered in others. And so the dance begins as we reflect our own Love in another and observe ourselves in another.

I will never be quick to judge when that stranger shadows my doorway, as it may just be the Love of You that is the Love of Me that I greet with open arms.